take me in and eat me whole

sometimes you just gotta

2004-11-23T03:55:25Z

I dont really know how to go on saying any of this without sounding like a sad bastard. but i think i just might anyway. sometimes you just gotta get kicked out on your ass. sometimes you have no where to go. have you ever had that thing that you were so upset that you actually vomitted? your bile comes up in these violent spurts and you cant see anything but your in the gutter anyway. have you ever run away from something and felt so liberated at just getting away that you almost felt bad because you were ruunning away from your problems, but in a real actually way. your such a fucking cop-out. at times like this everyone seems to be telling me to turn to god. but you know what FUCK YOUR GOD. god better come and find me because ive been looking for his ghostly ass for the past hundred years or so to no fucking avail. no one will have me these days and all i wanna do is have some sex and sleep for the rest of my days. i am so far behind in school that i really need to get things together. but i cant get myself to care im so deep in the fucking shit hole. this guy i met a few days ago actually refused to have sex with me (kinda half jokingly) because he said that he was too young and that he wasnt ready. i dont really know how to take it. i wish that i wasnt such a slut and i wish that my brain didnt equal sex with "everything is going to be ok" because i know that it is going to fuck me up emotionally somehow...ion the long run. its just one of those things that whores cant seem to avaid. either that or ill just contract aids and die like so many africans. ive got so many males and females around right now and i just want them all. i am such a selfish bastard. why cant i think about anyone but myself? why must i be so fucking "cruel". jon actually told me that too. he said he couldnt love me because i was crual and that i fucked with his head and i made him like me. well you know what? that must be the millionth time someone has told me that i fucked with their heads somehow and made the fol like me. well i think its all bullshit and your all just too fucking stupid and your all too easily seduced by my charms. someone shoot me in the fucking face. AMEN

mommy dearest,

2004-02-04T01:04:45Z

highlite my mistakes mom. underline the words of my failure. swear at the tears on my face. pound your fists and call me shit.
tell me why you hate my body. tell me how i threaten your career. explain why its my fault when i cant feel emotion. laugh when they mention abuse. manipulate me for everything you can get. destroy my relationships and get your way. dont ever ask for forgiveness because you know youll get it anyway.

page one

2004-01-31T16:31:25Z

Trish was huddled into a ball in the corner on a pile of blankets. She was beautiful lying there, almost kitten-like, except for her crazed shaking. She’d gotten the shakes from who knows what; it was either the after effects from a drug binge or just her fighting demons in her head. It didn’t make any difference to me. No one pitied her anymore, as she was always going through this kind of thing. Getting up and getting right back down again. There was nothing in this world that could keep that girl up so she sat there shaking, and no one paid her any bother. What I was really into right now was what Tom was on about. The cunt always got off on conspiracy theories and tellin you all about them when he got a few drinks unto ‘um. Tom hit a few drinks a few hours ago so he was off like a madman not really making any conclusions on anything but accusing everyone of everything. Most of the times you just let cunts like Tom talk themselves out but today I sat and listened because another thing cunts like Tom are good for is information.

roll over and moan in my ear

2004-01-27T22:21:36Z

i am feeling quite on top cuz the bass of this music has got a hold on my libido. blow out your ears and blow out your mind. dont feel bad just cuz youve got a few tears on your face.

make me over

2004-01-26T23:53:55Z

i can do anything that i want to. im liberated and im sellin cheap. follow me you foolish sheep. but i just cant get wet. see ive got a little problem because songs get me more pumped than you. i wanna tell you all about penis size and how im far superior. im taking all i can get. your gunna give me what i want or or or. im so obliterated. im breaking down all my doors. dont look at my face. nothing feels bad anymore. but im still left alone in the middle of the nite. ive got forty lovers and fuck the love. my skins always left me bare. just give me a few drinks and watch me get all warm and heated ill give you a fucking show. i have no soul i have no soul. watch out all you little hearts because mine has died a long long time ago. i wont remember this in the morning. i wont rememeber you tomorrow. i wont remember anything. because my memories are lies. everything is such a fucking lie. and im gunna die alone. i dont want to be like this anymore.

i feel sick deep inside

2004-01-23T22:46:33Z

im sitting on a bus stop surrounded by adolecent cubans who call black men gringos.
im smoking cigarettes and staring down the street visualizing the bus. hoping my superior acts of will will somehow materialize and the bus will take me home.
but instead the kids complain about second hand smoke and how it can kill you.
so i deliberately blow my poisons toward them hoping they die sooner. 'you know drinking tap water will give you cancer in your assholes'. i feel like a vile slime so i walk to the bookstore to steal a copy of The Metomorphosis. I get into
the store and see the senile old man at the counter and end up buying the book.
partly because im filled with mild anxiety because ive never stolen a book before
and partly because i want to cause an interaction with the old man. he comments
on my book choice which he always does and i leave feeling a bit better about myself
because i smiled at the old man. i wish that guy was my dad. i bet he would be a cool dad. i bet he has cool stories to tell, hopefully about his times in 'nam. I go back to the bus stop and smoke more cigarettes. and strike up conversation with a crazy woman and a madman. we talk about conspiracies about the raising of the price of the busses and pay phones. i pretend i have turrets. i finally get on the bus and sit down and immediately get sick from the motion and feel like shitting all over the seat or barfing up my intestines. the guy behind me is whispering things into my ear but i cant understand him and i think he might be drunk so i ignore him and stare out the window. the weather isnt too bad today and it reminds me of catcher in the rye. i wonder what they mean when they say houlden caufield is the modern day huckleberry finn. i want to look into this and possibly write about it for my term paper. i hate houlden caufield. ive talked to a chic about this before. i think catcher in the rye is a truely evil piece of literature. i really didnt like it but i keep wanting to read it again to figure out what the hell is wrong with it. someone needs to explain this to me. i wonder why mentally disturbed people are so drawn to it. undoubtedly there is something special about it. it pulls at something inside your head. but i cant really tell what it is. ive heard other stuff by salinger is even more pondersome, i think im going to look into this. maybe there is something deeper. i dunno. i feel sick

sex sex sex and dont forget the violence

2004-01-22T22:35:23Z

i want to kill everything that i love.
yesterday i stole brads double helix saftey pin sculpture and used it as a phallus. i told graham to give me a blow job, which he did. i was shocked and suprised by how much this turned me on. i wonder if i really could get someone to suck a dick that i strapped to myself. i am starting to get really worried about myself. everyday it seems i dig myself deeper into a hole.
i think that my medication is making me paranoid. i keep having dreams about the government. yesterdays dream was about the united states military killing off a militant group in turkey. and todays dream was about the creatures of the underworld staging a coup against the seagulls who ruled the world without the knowledge of the humans. i keep thinking that the staff at school are communicating with eachother about me and spying on me. i dont know. maybe i was always like this but its been cool lately because i can pretty much blame everything on these pills i take. but a legitimate complaint that i have with it is, is that it is making me feel emotionally blunted. i know i couldnt feel much before now its worse and its been making me feel even more alienated. but i do feel strangely happy. i dont really know what to do with myself. i kinda feel like a retard. like an actual retard. i feel trapped inside of my body like i cant communicate with the outside world. it must really suck for those kids. ive been getting positive reviews from those around me but i dunno. you can probably even tell im different just from my entries. this is fucked.
i want to tear up the floor boards and see if there are dead bodies underneath them. i really think that there might be bones in there. sometimes i think that there might be bones in the walls of my house, because how do you really know? i read this book where in medieval times they would put live women into the walls of castles for good luck. maybe i can even find someone to smoke the bones after i find them.

you might as well kill yourself because you are already dead

2004-01-22T12:19:35Z

do you ever play dead? laying on the floor? to see that happens? and the only ones that notice are your cats?

its oozing through the windows and the floors

2004-01-21T02:25:20Z

i feel guilty over not taking my medication yesterday. i keep thinking that it is poisoning me slowly, like if they were filled with mercury or cyanide or maybe rat poison. maybe they are giving me mind control. maybe i am a tool of the government. or maybe aliens have implanted a tracking device in my skull. but, i think i will take it today.
i think the sky looks fake today. the color is too flat and even. the building outside the window might be painted on the sky. i cant really tell. i am pretty tired today. i feel small. sometimes i sit in class and i am suprised that my feet can touch the ground.
the conflict in my house makes me feel miniature. i am sitting in my room alone and on the computer and yet i have this underlying paranoia that i havent dont everything i have been instructed to do. i keep anticipating my father to walk in and whip my back.
i dont really feel too lonely like i have been. alex and avery seem to be helping. ive become quite attatched to them. but i feel weird talking about it so i wont. there is still that emptiness tho. emptiness from not feeling anything and emptiness from just not having him in my life. ive been smoking quite a few cigarettes lately. they seem to fulfill me just a little. having a cloud enter me and come from me is somehow comforting. i just wish i could have some fucking drugs.

im gunna say all those bad things about you

2004-01-18T05:27:26Z

i dont know how to deal with myself when i cant shut my brain off with drugs or alcohol.
someone cast these demons out.
everyday i wake up and i wage this war against myself and i dont know how long i can deal with the fighting.
i miss feeling another body next to me. i wish that you would just reach out your hand.
ive been feeling kinda differently towards avery lately. i think we have both changed somehow and now we have a better understanding of eachother. i really care about her. sometimes i wish that i could just lay in her bed stoned and listen to music, feeling better because of it. i wish that i could explain these things to her.

mapping

2004-01-14T03:03:18Z

i am having a hard time with this, so i am going to just start writing and see where it all ends up. right now i am sitting on a giant dog pillow given to my by my friend travis. i am listening to music, Led Zeppelin. I listen to music because its the one thing that makes me feel connected with anything. its easier to hear a song and say i feel the same way than sit here and figure out what exactly that is.

i think there is a tiny person underneath my skin. deep inside my belly. it lives in there sleeping all the time. never allowed to leave the confines of this space. i dont know of any personality this person has but, one day when the worms are done with my corpse it will spring out of my belly button and live the rest of my life as it should be lived.

my skin is like a metal suit. no feeling at all. i get cold a lot.

my brain is like a machine. cogs and wheels. sometimes breaking down, most times not. i wonder when i am due for an upgrade or possibly repairs.

my sould is like a washing machine with emotions swirling around. i pull something out and wear it for the day. i wish that i had more clothes.

there is nothing left of me but a blank stare.

my legs are lead and steel. ever wonder if yours are there?

there is a person that yells in my head. sometimes its me who yells in my dreams. its a strong person. its a person who doesnt smoke cigarettes.

sometimes i feel like im upsidedown as im walking down the hall

there is an emaciated anxious person inside, eaten away by worry, there is an i.v. and a hospital bed. pathetic

there is a person inside that loves and questions synthetic seratonin

there is a beast in there too ready to eat your head

iamtrish43 @ 2004-01-13T19:14:00

2004-01-14T01:20:29Z

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

cold

2004-01-12T23:48:38Z

i hate being cold. cold reminds me of desolation. cold reminds me of lonliness. its funny how things change the most when they havent changed at all. all the trees have become corpses. me like them, waiting to come alive...

feeling

2004-01-12T03:15:26Z

its been a long while. i wonder if i have changed. i wonder if i have become something else, someone else. i am human.
i am full of energy with no where to go. i feel like something is going to happen soon but, i have no idea what it is and i am not afraid.
last nite was the first day that i started living again. i didnt end up doing much of anything. i talked with frank mostly and ended up making the both of us incredibly depressed. i talked about him and he talked about her. and we both wanted to die in the end. its been close to 3 months and i havent moved not an inch. i am completely in love and i opened my eyes and he made me fall flat on my face.

selfish

2003-11-04T00:04:08Z

every time in passing a large truck or heavy car, i always get an urge to walk out in front of it. i can even imagine it. i can see myself being contorted embarassingly into the air before i fall back to the ground. im sitting in class and thinking about getting hit by cars. if you look at it the right way you can see the grandiosity of it all. sometimes i wonder if everyone around me knows it, if they can see it on my face. if they know that i am looking up their skirts or counting how many times they scratch their crotch or the most amusing way to kill them. i wonder if they can tell. i wonder what church will be like on sunday. i wonder how many pentacles i should wear. everything is such a fucking joke. i wish i had some valium. i wish i looked how i felt, frail and diseased. i want to shoot my fucking brain right onto this wall. i will sign the bottom bitch and piss on my clumsy remains.

peering into a white room

2003-11-03T03:28:35Z

most of the time, its me roaming around dragging my feet, dirtying your floor. its me leaving a trace, its my fucking face. you are diciplined perfection and i am feeling like a stain in your saline lotus world. i am so afraid of you sometimes, i dont know how to be normal when its you im dealing with.

sweet dreams

2003-10-26T23:25:32Z

i took a magical journey into the depths of your spaces and i dwelled in a true habitat. i discovered that everything is all encompasing,and that i am but a tiny seed in a giant womb, i guess it is true that we never leave our mothers. i wonder if some day i will break out of this saran wrap encasing and kill my mother as her insides bleed onto the floor. last nite i made all kinds of realizations about myself and i could see into my thoughts and dreams with a full understanding only granted to the enlightened. i discovered the truth about the 'electronic', i know now how they speak to eachother in invisible beams of light and i know they will someday take over it all. i felt music rush upon my body like a giant wave that pounded on my chest and pushed me deeper into the pillows. i saw a golden river that is the answer to all your problems. just jump in baby and go with the flow, avoid the hostility. i layed in the hands of god and my tears made psychedelic streams. i never understood anything so clearly before. i never felt so warm before. and i dont understand why it always has to end.

but i woke up today. the cripling pain of the coming of morning. there is always the realizations you make the morning after. there is the blinding light. there is the dream being ripped from your body stealing your soul with it. so you sit in bed a while mourning your loses and remembering the love you felt and you call your lover because everynight you always have to leave them. and it makes you want to cry because every day you are waking up alone. sometimes they tell you that they feel they could love you forever. and sometimes you almost belive them. but nowdays you sometimes dont. and mostly you just dont know what to do. because you both walk all over eachother becuase your tied now and you both dont know how to leave. you dont know how to leave because being alone just doesnt make sense. and it feels so good and it feels so right. but what if your feeling all the wrong things and seeing what your feeling and feeling what your seeing and it all feels like a dream so your falling asleep and beliveing the dream. and you keep waking up and you keep going back because daylight kills and together they will die in their sleep.

iamtrish43 @ 2003-10-15T21:20:00

2003-10-16T02:49:08Z

it really scares me sometimes. sometimes i think that i might fall inside of myself and never find the way back out. i think of it as slipping through a crack in the ice. i wonder if anyone sees me when they look behind my blank expression, i wonder if they can see me waving back to them though my motionless eyes. its like im always stuck in auto-pilot. i wish i could go in different motions. every day i do the same things. i think it is beginning to rot my body. i can feel myself hardening and drying out like sad markers. i try walking different ways down the hallways to my classes, maybe a change in scenery will help me get through the day. but instead i end up hyperventalating as a push through a senseless mob. im always looking out through the windows at the trees. i looked at the trees for 8 hours today. i will look at them for 8 hours tomorrow, and the next day until they die. then i will watch the dead corpses of the trees and imagine that i feel the same way. i wonder if anything really ever changes. its always the same faces, situations, format, people, places. ive been burried alive. i wonder if there is a tiny me deep inside covered with maggots and worms. i wonder if i died.

alicia, were you present for this?

2003-10-12T18:18:45Z

i dont really know what is going on right now. my standing has never been so undefined. jon actually asked me if i was present for the entire duration of the session. i didnt know what to say. everything just feels safer on the inside, collapsing into myself. i wish i could keep from falling apart at the seams. i am so lost. you make it allright. i miss you all the seconds of the day. but i dont really know what we mean anymore. is this something real? you make me feel real. im going to get fixed and i will never hurt you again. im going to do everything i can. 95% recovery. thats what they tell me. do spells on me magic man. if everything is true i will be a new me. i will see and smell and taste again. i will feel and i will dream i will think i will be.

iamtrish43 @ 2003-10-05T16:30:00

2003-10-05T22:05:20Z

im sitting in a pile of vomit on the cold wooden floor. my body is covered with things that should be on the inside, except they have found a way to the outside. im sitting in a corner with the little hospital bracelet still on my wrist, im starting to feel sick again. tomorrow i have an appointment with my doctor so can get a referal to some crisis center for broken down teens. i still dont really know what is going on right now, im just so sedated and my tears keep flowing but now theres no expression on my face because everything hurts to badly to move. i talked to this black man today at the hospital he actually told me that the hospital would appreciate it if i didnt kill myself while i was under their care. wow i can not belive it has come down to this. the black man told me that my parents have agreed not to press charges, i guess i have won some kind of victory. on the way home my mom asked me what i wanted to do, all i want to do is sleep. so sleeping i have been until an hour ago when my dad woke me up to let me know that i am to never open my window again and that i have to clean the bathroom, mop the kitchen floor, and feed the cats for the second time in the past 8 hours. i feel eventually i might have this all straightened out. but i am just afraid. i love you rex. i dont know how to live without you. i dont know how to keep going. i am carrying around a purple rino. im trying to remember everything about you in case i dont see you for a while. im trying to keep everything you are to me. im trying to remember everything we have. im going to keep all these things inside of me maybe you can help me pull through.

break on through to the other side

2003-09-30T02:52:10Z

im surprised that i can open my eyes after last nite. i am surprised that i am actually this organism full of tiny little cells powered like a car, im an engine with fuel. im filled up at a little house across from the cafe. with coffee mugs and thermos cups and bongo drums to play. i dont know what happened from my last entry to this one. whole days deleted from memory. time is passing me in blurs, like smudges and raptures in the paint. klinking at the keys because this mind isnt mine. im part of everything and im melting into this seat. this spot where im at is the only place thats warm in this desolate wasteland. but everything is just a little fuzzier today. like the clouds and the spirits and the hip hop. im loving this feeling cuz im not fiending. im stronger than all those mind fuck drugs. im loving you my man. im covered in these little symbols, places where youve signed your name. in ways i cant even describe. because times have changed and times grown older, you leave me turned

iamtrish43 @ 2003-09-22T17:05:00

2003-09-22T22:21:06Z

you make me cry even when you arent speaking, especially because. i hate you because i feel stuck in this hole, because i need someone to hold. theres nothing left here for me because you are gone up with the smoke, and your leaving me here alone. there are lots of names i can think of, but names just make me get even deeper and deeper with you. i hate how i always seem to think that there is a shred of hope left for us. i hate how i keep forgiving you for everytime it hurts. i want to rip your body to shreds. i want to tear out your heart and eat you alive. i want your blood to flood into my mouth. that is the only way i will feel ok is if im hurting you. but it never seems to work out this way because every time i decide to try, you always get angry and beat me and you never cry. everyone is telling me i need to think and figure us all out. but the truth is i cant leave you anymore than you can leave me because we are the same person, and i want to commit suicide